My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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