Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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