Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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