I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
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