You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
