One girl and one boy is just not enough.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
