Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
