What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
