you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
