Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
