Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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