i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
