She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
