This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize