I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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