God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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