Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
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