She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
