He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Can you bring me the toilet please
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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