why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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