you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
