she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
