So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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