im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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