he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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