Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
