Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
