Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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