We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
