His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
