and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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