Tell her she can't have a vagina
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
