she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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