I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
