Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
