i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
