Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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