I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You made out with two different species that night
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
