Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
...so i touched it.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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