For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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