Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Randomize
