apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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