I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
