You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
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