Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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