That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
