so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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