Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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