You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
we're chasing vodka with high fives
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
