Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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