How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
