You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
