By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
he had hair everywhere except his balls
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize
