Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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