my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
