I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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